|Photo Kalen Drullinger|
I really struggle with harnessing my emotions. After a good cry I decided that no one was going to understand my soggy frustration, because I don't even fully understand. So here I am wrapped in blankets on the living room couch trying to find solace in a cup of coco. I guess my conclusion was that if I addressed my feelings on my blog, maybe even I would start to understand them.
I am not an open book. I have spent most of my aloof life trying to find ways to sugarcoat it. I make friends easily, but I'm constantly driven to reinvent-myself with every relationship. The older I become the harder it is for me to authenticate those connections. The sad truth is that growing up is the loneliest part of living. Very plainly, I feel disconnected. I think that is a very common feeling among my peers. I have never been good at talking about my feelings, even my blog is impersonal, but I guess that will have to change. I thought that most people just visited my blog to scroll through the airbrushed version of my life, but now I am hearing that this is untrue. It amazes me that people like to read what I have to say. This post is going to be long, and I apologize. Here is my issue.
When you scroll through Facebook and Instagram you are literally witnessing the most censored part of any given person's life. Mine included. A lot of us have friends and followers we have never met. When I first joined Facebook I had no idea that it would one day be the gateway to reaching out to so many younger girls, and even some boys. If I was told four years ago that I would have people looking up to me I would have never believed them. It's an unbelievable amount of pressure, and it sometimes leads to more sugarcoating. My life is only an eighth of what you see online. Sometimes I'll post a picture and girls will comment nice things about my hair, or makeup, etc. They will call me goals, or even say they wish they were me. Here's the thing, I know this is a compliment, but part of me dies every time someone says this. Today it brought me to tears.
There were so many points in my life where I would have given anything to be anyone but me. There are days where I couldn't leave bed because existing was too hard. I know what you are thinking, how could her life possibly be that bad? It's not, and that is not the point. There is aways going to be someone out there who has it much worse, and I am at terms with who I am and my life challenges, but I wasn't always.
Recently I decided to defer a new treatment for Crohn's disease. I have talked about the status of my health on my blog briefly, but what you don't know is I have struggled with keeping my disease from consuming my life for almost a decade. I was treated with Prednisone, Pentasa, Budesonide, Mercaptopurine, Remicade, Humira, accompanied with other drugs. All of these failed me eventually. With my illness it is difficult to stay on one treatment for more than a few years before it stops doing what it's prescribed to do. With all of these drugs bring side effects, and I can't take back the years of chemical damage. This is why I decided to treat myself with natural alternatives, but it's not easy. In fact, it's fucking hard. Here I am back where I was about 7 years ago when they first subjected me to steroids, wishing I would wake up someone else. Sometimes thinking I had mutated into someone else, and so I ask myself why would anyone want to be me?
The truth is, they don't. They want to be the sugary me from Instagram. Even I do it sometimes. We see beautiful girls online and it is so easy to be swept up in envy, but we don't see them at their darkest hour. We don't see their acne breakouts, or bad hair days. We don't see the things that really make them a person. That is the issue with social media. While I am flattered that anyone would want to be me, it also makes me a bit bitter. There is not a single person on earth who doesn't struggle in life. Just because others don't see these issues that scar us does not make them any easier to deal with. It's all the same evil, we just have different demon. Support each other instead of comparing problems. No one likes a shitting contest.
My life is full of pain and question, but if there is one thing I've learned it's that I can do Me better than anyone else. Colonoscopy? you got it, see you on the flip side! Weekly blood tests, I'm your girl. There isn't anything I can't handle. The same goes for you and all the girls who have not yet found the confidence to appreciate their existence. Out of billions, there is not a single person on earth like you. How incredible is that? If there is only one thing you can take away from this post, let it be this: Be the most authentic version of you, always. Let your outside reflect your inside and vice versa. Learn how to express yourself, whether that be through words, art, fashion, sports, or anything under the sun. Your challenges are your own, use them and learn from them. Don't wish to be someone else, you can't know what they're going through. Make use of what you have. To anyone struggling with their health, you are not alone. Not everyone will understand, and that's okay. If you aren't comfortable with who you are, what sex you were born, what you look like, change. If you really want something you will find a way to materialize it, and it will all fall into compilation. Finally, If you are dealing with something bad talk to someone. Direct message me anytime.
Thank for listening, I feel much better now,