Wednesday, October 18, 2017

KINTSUGI

PHOTOS




I think it is easy for us to forget that we don't have to have our shit together in our 20's. Bouncing back is one of the best traits us young ones have, and you are never too old to learn. I have come to terms with the everlasting ache I have to be and do more. Now, it is not so painful. My patience with myself is often too short, when I know what I am capable of but also that I am not ready for such greatness. Taking time to develop is key especially when the weight of our responsibilities can greatly affect out health and mood.  You don't have to peak right now. Yesterday my focus was devoted to consuming less and creating more. Today, I'm reminded to think less and feel more. What is the point of all of this hard work if I'm not fulfilled? Nothing. 

Somedays, I beat myself up when someone asks me why I quit blogging, as if to be a blogger one must post everyday.  When I was a teen blogging was all I had. It is what lead me to open doors. As I unveil all these opportunities I am also finding myself. I don't feel the same way I once did about exposing my entire life so personally online. I want my pain to be expressed in my work at school, in my clothing and art. New mediums are important to me as a designer. Now I have so many other side projects which I also feel as passionately about as I once did writing. I am at a pinnacle point. I am learning to spread my wings and prepare for flight. My time is much more precious to me now, and mortality is ever present.  I think one thing we as a collective should work on is not expecting others to post and post and post. Communication is so important to me but snapchat, instagram, blogs, they are all just highlight reels. One day I hope to see this blog transform into a portfolio, so I can curate the projects I am working on. 

Letting people close can be hard for us introverts. Going out in public becomes exhausting. I know that sounds so hypocritical coming from someone who has expelled their every emotion online for years, but I have accepted this just recently myself.  Likes and shares have become so pointless when I would rather curl up with a book and drink tea in my cloud. I want to feel the sun on my face not the pressure from others to "do it for the gram." But to a professional over thinker that is easier said then done. It's not as if employers care how many close friends I have of course when a follower count is so much more visual.  How does it feel knowing that none of these people give a damn about my mental health, my medical trials, my families wellbeing? Numb. There is no feeling. All of that has been drained and dusted aside for so long that I don't have a reason to care about a number any longer. There has to be some other gauge to value my existence. So, I am reminded to feel more. I am not stone. I am soft pink flesh. I'm filling all my cracks with gold and starting over, again. 


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

BURY ME IN BAND TEES

PHOTOS

COLLABORATOR






I never have to wear color because I change my hair every two weeks. I've been wearing less neutral colors lately, but my inner emo kid always gets the best of me. My mom dug up a Hot Topic gift card someone had given me for Christmas years ago. I was a little confused on what to do with it because I haven't set foot into a Hot Topic in years, but I think the internet says it's trendy now? The thought of mainstream grunge is so not rock n' roll, but I'm happy for you Hot Topic. Tripp NYC finally got their cult following back. Maybe that's why this gift card found me again because I'm so trend thirsty all the time. I wont lie, I'm a sucker.  Online, I bought two band tees, safety pin earrings, and a leather O-ring cuff with the manifested gift card . Didn't even have to make awkward conversation with a single Hot Topic employee. Who know's maybe next year we'll all go back to Abercrombie and Hollister. I kinda miss smelling like cologne for three weeks straight. JOKES.


OUTFIT

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

GHOSTING U






I'm still trying to figure out how I fit into this generation. Sometimes I have a dream or watch a movie that makes me dwell on past lives. It amazes me how far we have come in the evolutionary cycle, but for this same reason I feel halted. I'm not really sure to relate to the people around me, and I think it may be because of my isolation, but also my progressive drive to never accept traditional ways. When I sit in my classes and listen to my teachers talk about things that I could or have taught myself, and their inability to explain why the times have not changed. Why are our clothing still made by children in hot houses? Why are families still starving? Why is the general public so against change? When I think about how my peers jump from one relationship to another without even a word of closure, I assume that we would adapt to change easily. But in fact it's the opposite, its dehumanizing. What happened to the high school sweethearts? We need more innovation, acceptance and compassion for all living things. Never fear the future. There are no endings, just transitions. I'm trying my hardest to not hold hostility towards humanity, it can be so draining. One thing I've never been good at is disguising how I really feel. 




OUTFIT







Monday, April 3, 2017

SOUL SONG PLAYLIST


Like any true Sagittarius, I'm always on an endless quest for the deeper meaning to life. But lately I've been more focused on simpler things, like what do I want and what do I feel. I think it's really easy for us all to get tangled up in the wants and thoughts of others. When I was little I was ostracized by the other girls because I didn't believe in the same things, or play the same way they did. When I would befriend the boys it would only cause more jealousy and tension from my female counter parts. I would cry to my mother and she would be shocked by the way I was being treated at school. She would only hear nice things about me from what the other little girls were telling their mothers. How could they be so far off? This was the first lesson I learned on the importance of staying true to your soul.  The ego is not honest.  The way people treat others does not always parallel what they think of them.   People carry so many complexes, I could never be bothered to take them on as my own at that age when I could barely comprehend my own.


 As a teenager, I feel I doubled as a street corner counselor.  It always worried my mother when I would bring home interesting characters with such obvious problems like they were stray cats. These were the people I felt understood me best. While I don't think they needed me, I always wanted to help them. I loved these friends like family, but the issue with people who rely on you for energy is that they attach themselves to you like tubes in your chest. The second lesson I needed to learn was separating myself from the problems of others. How necessary it was to cut these cords and not deplete myself entirely.  I think people can play a very important role in your life, but that purpose may only serve you for a period of time.  Letting go is hard for me, especially when it comes to people. I decided that in order for me to live a healthy life I needed to rid myself of all the traces of my past self. Just seeing the posts of people who had been so detached from my life on social media was numbing me to the reality that I was living a life altered by the opinions of others. My 8 year old self would cringe at me now if she could see how submissive I've become. I used to be a warrior.


 I think that the older we get the more material driven we become. The world transforms into a game of who has what and how much, but what I needed was less. The real problem is that everywhere we look someone is trying to convince you to buy something, as if air wasn't free. I thrive in a simple, natural environment. That applies to everything in my life from food and friends to living space and music. Mainstream media does not abide be these standards. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I can do better than one size fits all. Along with deleting hundreds of irrelevant relationships from my social media, I detoxed my music and television. Even the clothing I wear now is less ignorant.  There has been so much hostility on every platform of our existence with the social and political crisis we are currently in that it makes me physically ill to think about. I don't need an hourly reminder every time I unlock my phone.


Staying positive and confident about who I am, what I believe in and what I think I might believe in has never been easy. I think we should all put a little more thought into what we want and less of what is expected. I decided the best way to find myself again was through my playlists. Music has always helped my soul sing out the feeling I didn't know I had. For too long I had exclusively been listing to the music that others chose and I didn't realize how cold that made me. Finding obscure music is a small passion of mine, which is why I love Soundcloud so much. I secretly fantasize about being a DJ in the UK underground party scene. While that may be a little far fetched I can always count on my shuffle to take me someplace better. I compiled a little song list from the heart for you all to enjoy. I hope that if anything it will help you feel a bit inspired. Thanks for reading!

X,
M

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

HEALING MAGIC OF THE RANCH


PHOTOS

COLLABORATOR



I’m never shocked by how high and low the capacity of my happiness can be. It's so clique to get kicked while you're down, but that’s the way it always seems to go for me. Whether it’s overdraft fees or car accidents, my incidences always happen in pairs, and currently clusters.

Last week I had surgery on an abscess caused by Crohn’s disease, which they then sewed open so it could heal from the inside out. The professionals told me that full recovery would take months, forcing me to defer from my current classes, pack up and move back home with my parents for the time being. The ironic bit is that I recently crossed paths with a boy I graduated with who also had emergency surgery and was in a similar situation. When I inquired him about his injury he said, “yah, it’s been a journey.” Naturally my entitled self clung to the first thing I could find wrong with this seemingly perfect boy, whom I had assumed was nothing shy of privileged. And, in my jealous head all I could think of was what I wouldn’t give to heal and stay healthy, or how could you call a small tiff like a broken bone a journey? Of course verbalizing all of these gross opinions set my cosmic karma off on its own well deserved “journey.” 

I’ve never had so many people examine at my asshole in the course of one month. Never mind the fact that I been horizontal so long that I’ve developed a lump in my back. I’ve never experienced a painful drawn out recover such as this, and I thought I knew pain. Turns out there are many different kinds of pain. The overmedicating, stinging stitches, back aches, and stomach cramps are almost bearable, but I can’t stand the places my brain has gone in the past few weeks. 

I went kicking and screaming into this situation, sometimes literally. People tell me how strong I am, but they don't know that I have woken up a whole hospital floor wailing. I feel like people only notice my strength when I'm at my weakest. Sometimes I’m not strong by choice. It takes a lot of very loving people to keep me from self-destructing, and for that I thank you. I really do appreciate all the support on social media, the people who visited me in the hospital and my family for being my everything. Being alone in this would be unthinkable.


A lot of mistakes have lead to my downfall and I don't want anyone to think that I am undeserving of the seeds that I've sewn. While it is unfortunate that I have Crohn's disease I know that it was not caused by bad luck. It has roots in my repressed childhood trauma. This is no one's fault but my own. I have always held myself to a standard that is was impossible to achieve. I let the expectations of others supersede the the things that I love to do. There is a balance that I have yet to achieve.  I was addicted to work and obsessed with getting away from the only place I have ever called home. And that is how I became condemned to the exact place I once loathed.  

Being an adult and living with your adult parents is like a trip down the rabbit hole. That in itself has relieved the most comical aspects of my little journey. It has also unmasked some psychological battles I didn't know I was fighting. I've rediscovered the magic that once surrounded me as a child here on my parent's ranch. I've repositioned myself in a direction that balances pleasures and disciplinary tasks that better my future. And I did all of this from the comfort of my Great Grandmother's bathtub. While recovery sucks, it's monumental to finally have a chance to breathe. my journey hasn't quite come full circle but I intend to reach a whole new level of Super Saiyan all thanks to the support and patience I have been given these past few weeks.  

If anyone asks where I am just tell them, Maddi its safe and sound at the hometown reading motivational books, taking too many baths and binge watching ViceLand from her parents bed. 

Special thanks to Tricky Hair for the 3D Mink Eyelashes

XO,
M



Monday, February 6, 2017

THE MEAN REDS // STYLEWE

PHOTOS

COLLABORATOR


A tale as old as time, true as it can be, I feel off the wagon again. I feel like the bubblegum version of 
Jekyll & Hyde. Sometimes I'm colorful and sweet and other times I'm crusty and faded. My current status is somewhere in between 'freshly scraped off a park bench' and 'stuck to the bottom of Paris Hiltons stiletto.' AT LEAST IM GOIN' PLACES. In all seriousness, my health has prevented me from doing a lot of things I constantly take for granted, which in turn has demotivated me from doing things I love like having a social life, blogging, modeling, photography, etc. In my constant endeavor to keep up with school in my condition, dare I waste any energy on things that actually fulfill me? At my pace I won't be healthy enough to do the things I have worked so hard to achieve and pursue in the future. So I'm about to get REAL negligent up in here. My professors can "anonymously" scold me in front of the class all they want, because my body should come before coursework. That's a lesson I have yet to beat into myself.


THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT COLLEGE

1. You probably won't do what you studied in college for the rest of your life so start doing what you love now. Hell, chase your dreams.
2. C's get degrees, but good luck with that internship application.
3. Waste no time.
4. Don't work at minimum wage if you want to be able to be "independent," or do things like eat.
5. Most importantly, your peers are your biggest resource, choose them wisely.

In my absence from blogging in the last several months I've learned a lot about myself. Firstly, I need a creative outlet to be sane. Maybe I'm not that creative, doesn't matter; still need it. Without this world of introspective thoughts and emotions that I have vomited all over blogger, and the joy I get deep down knowing that someone has noticed it I turn into a very isolated person. I don't invite many people into my reality (without a minimum of five years experience and two letters of recommendation.)  When I shy away from the internet it is for the purpose of healing, but I never expected my life to become so washed out. I know that makes me sound like the Millennial who cried wolf, but as a content creator I am nothing without my network of friends. When everyone is off making magic and posting it online for me to see from my bed snuggled under a heating pad, I feel like an undeserving impostor.  I get sad and not like the blues, but the MEAN REDS if you can catch my drift. I've regained some energy and instead of doing a weeks worth of homework I have stacked up, I'm going to do something I should have done ages ago.


OUTFIT

CARDIGAN  //  STYLEWE
SKIRT  //  STYLEWE
TANK TOP  //  PACSUN
SUNGLASSES  //  EBAY


STYLEWE REVIEW

I sincerely apologies to Stylewe for the untimely review, but in no way was it personal. In fact I loved their clothing. The camel wool cardigan is slightly bat-winged and slouchy just how you would want your grandpa's old sweater to fit you. It only comes in one size but it was basically falling off me. The zip up mini skirt was by far my favorite out of the two pieces. The skirt is soft like puppy ears, I was so surprised! The only concerning thing about the skirt is that I received a size medium and it still fits fairly tight and puckers slightly. Stylewe has a great selection of very unique clothing from independent designers. I'm a huge fan of shopping internationally online for this reason. They have an average selection of styles, but countless head turners and classic silhouettes. Over all I believe they are one of the more contemporary retailers that I've collaborated with yet. 

Thanks for reading and putting up with my shit,
M