I think it is easy for us to forget that we don't have to have our shit together in our 20's. Bouncing back is one of the best traits us young ones have, and you are never too old to learn. I have come to terms with the everlasting ache I have to be and do more. Now, it is not so painful. My patience with myself is often too short, when I know what I am capable of but also that I am not ready for such greatness. Taking time to develop is key especially when the weight of our responsibilities can greatly affect out health and mood. You don't have to peak right now. Yesterday my focus was devoted to consuming less and creating more. Today, I'm reminded to think less and feel more. What is the point of all of this hard work if I'm not fulfilled? Nothing.
Somedays, I beat myself up when someone asks me why I quit blogging, as if to be a blogger one must post everyday. When I was a teen blogging was all I had. It is what lead me to open doors. As I unveil all these opportunities I am also finding myself. I don't feel the same way I once did about exposing my entire life so personally online. I want my pain to be expressed in my work at school, in my clothing and art. New mediums are important to me as a designer. Now I have so many other side projects which I also feel as passionately about as I once did writing. I am at a pinnacle point. I am learning to spread my wings and prepare for flight. My time is much more precious to me now, and mortality is ever present. I think one thing we as a collective should work on is not expecting others to post and post and post. Communication is so important to me but snapchat, instagram, blogs, they are all just highlight reels. One day I hope to see this blog transform into a portfolio, so I can curate the projects I am working on.
Letting people close can be hard for us introverts. Going out in public becomes exhausting. I know that sounds so hypocritical coming from someone who has expelled their every emotion online for years, but I have accepted this just recently myself. Likes and shares have become so pointless when I would rather curl up with a book and drink tea in my cloud. I want to feel the sun on my face not the pressure from others to "do it for the gram." But to a professional over thinker that is easier said then done. It's not as if employers care how many close friends I have of course when a follower count is so much more visual. How does it feel knowing that none of these people give a damn about my mental health, my medical trials, my families wellbeing? Numb. There is no feeling. All of that has been drained and dusted aside for so long that I don't have a reason to care about a number any longer. There has to be some other gauge to value my existence. So, I am reminded to feel more. I am not stone. I am soft pink flesh. I'm filling all my cracks with gold and starting over, again.